I need to subscribe to Vice Magazine or I need to find a place in DC where I can pick it up. Its a free magazine if you can find it, but $30 for the subscription. Maybe I just need to go to New York more often and get it for free…

In this month’s issue of Vice Magazine the editors compiled their DO’s & DON’Ts from their previous issues and put them into the Vice Guide To Everything. All I can say is that its a must read! I’ve spent the last hour reading it and laughing outloud. My favorite DON’T is mentioned and happens to be the #1 question that is asked in DC (one that I hate as well!)–

4. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR JOB
“What do you do?” is the lamest and most boring question there is. Asking people about their jobs means they are defined by what they do, and it’s not 1950, so fuck off. The worst part is when people actually answer it and start getting into the nuances of their job and how they totally nailed that proposal and how everyone knows it but Gordon. Dude, I don’t care if your job is battling Argonauts. We don’t want to hear it. The only people who have jobs exciting enough to talk about are sick of talking about their exciting jobs so, by definition, job talk has got to go. If that means knowing someone for days without knowing what they do, so be it. What’s wrong with that? Are you so shallow you need to know everyone’s job before you can like them?

I find it unlikely that this bit of sage advice will be understood in DC, ever.

I also like this one too-

DOs & DON’Ts—The Golden Rule
Don’t go in before the other person comes out. This applies to a restaurant, a building, a bus, anything. It is so universal that you should let it philosophically inform everything else you do for the rest of your life. Don’t go in before the other person comes out.

and this one as well…

DOs & DON’Ts—Sports fans
If you insist on talking about some game you like, don’t use the word “we,” as in “We’re losing 10 to 7,” or especially, “We’re winning,” or, “If only we had a left-handed pitcher who could get someone out.” We, huh? You and the general manager are going to sit down and tackle that at some point in the near future? No. YOU are not. You get to witness a team full of transient millionaires compete in a game in which, no matter how hard you wish, wear your special hat, or cry, you have ZERO to do with the outcome. You aren’t on the team. You aren’t a paid consultant to the team. You’re a fan of the team. Would you apply this shit to a band? Like, “I know Garcia has been dead for about eight years, but who are we gonna get to replace him?” or “How many dates are we touring?” or “Man, we played a kickass show last night.” NO, you would never do that. Or even a favorite porn star? “We gotta dance in Lubbock. That’s where we can earn the big dollars. Let’s shake our tits. Boy, we really sucked that cock last night. God, I love it when we get a hot blast of cum on our implants.”

lastly…

DOs & DON’Ts—Choosing your battles
Don’t argue politics with your neighbors, coworkers, or other people you need to get along with. Calling somebody an idiot for liking Bush is what the Internet is for. Besides, political arguments are better in emails because you get time to do your research and you can provide links to all your points.

You can read the rest here.
There is also a special section with a 100 more DO’s & DON’Ts, in case you can’t get enough!